well, this was unexpected, read the bottom

 not takin' a shitty way out this time around
listen to my fingers pound
rage is the sound

beyond these keystrokes you see my soul
playing cards now, if you were smart? you would fold
either way im taking your gold

denied my rights
been trained since birth to fight
is it any wonder i write?

I fuckin hate lazy people
i fuckin hate racist
i fuckin hate sheeple
and i fuckin peoples bullshit

God, heal this world, i pray
and get these stupid sihts out of my way

... i want to do the lords work in a laypersons way
Jesus didnt need to read the bible to save the day

(you know, i just realized something,
Im not the one to change the world i dont think..
its not what God wants of me. its what i want, i mean, no
not on any grand scale, i know i cant change the world
that big of a way, but i could do a huge part in helping..
this isnt what God wants of me though.. all this time
i was doing what i wanted, not what God wanted of
me. this is not crushing new, but.... man.. i dunno what
i will do now, i kinda had my eyes set on uplifitng people
thru my poems and thru talks with neighbors and in
the community and things :/ )

 

i dunno, im confused, i just think if i was going to do enough to change the world, that God would have
made this more obvious to me, so far all he/she/it wants me to do is take care of myself and try to find peace.... so is it ok to pursue other interests then like changing the world for the better? i dunno, my brain isnt cooperating right now.

some more

i'm probably done sharing my poems/rhymes/songs/whatever with the public. tired of working for a like. so from now on i'll share them with people who actually have feedback and enjoy hearing them.

i dont understand why black people wont let me stand up for them

 it might sound like im racist with my kendrick lamar post, but im not. i realize most black people are just going about their lives same as white people, simply trying to achieve the american dream here in this country. just going about their lives praying they dont have too much trouble and that their efforts are rewarded.

this i can understand.

but i dont understand why black people (some of them) can cast me out because of my skin color even tho i have written poems standing up for black rights. its like, come you guys, you dont make it easy for a white dood to be on your side! which i would like to be, but yous shoot me down like im not good enough to stand up for black rights because im not black... i dont get it, do you want me to be racist? or do you want me to be on your side? should i just ignore it all and mind my own buisness? i thought one of the whole points of black lives matter is NOT that black lives matter more, but that this time, you guys wanted white people and more to stand with you and say, "enough is enough, police, stop killing us"

i know right from wrong, black people can have it rather rough in this country, but thats not my fault, I AM ON YOUR SIDE, do i know what its like to be black? no, and i never will 100% but i hear the horror stories about how just simply walking past a car with a person in it, they have the nerve to lock their door as if you are gonne rob them just because you have dark skin. i can feel that pain.

and i can relate to,,, have people not be so nice to you - my own government took away my rights to even own a bb gun, a simple bb gun, because i have a psychotic illness. even tho i gave them no reason to perceive me as a threat TILL AFTER they took that right away. anyways, im not racist, and if you would just accept my help, im willing to offer it.

i dont want it to be this way

 i said goodbye to my support group because it no longer was a support group, we all just sat around like some type of elite club talking about linux and drugs all day... fuck that. people who deal with this illness need something a lot more than an elite club and they certantly dont deserve to be force fed joels drug talk.

they dont deserve the attitude of publios sayins "why am i so fucking crazy" have a brain man, i can't figure out if you are trying to sound cool, bitching, or its rhetorical, but no matter - it doesnt belong in a genuine support group, they dont deserve publios getting drunk every day rambling about how he will quit, no really, this is the last time. fucking go to an AA meeting publios, i wont look down on you if you do, i would look up to you for having the courage to take serious action against your alcohol problem that again DOESNT BELONG IN A SCHIZOPHRENIC support group >:|

some of the people in there are so fragile, if they just think they did something wrong, they leave and dont return for weeks. you guys need to be more gentle for those peoples sakes. im not coming back. i hate that channel now, its nothing i want it to be. and im tired of trying just so people can try to make it their way. you can claim you respect me all you want. but you talk is just talk, im sick of you not showing me respect.

svenny, doomed, missbliss, electricwalrus, umbra, a few others, i have no problem with you, i dont even have a problem for the most part with joel or publios, they just need to be more aware that its supposed to be a support group, not an elite club....

Carly, i dunno if this is it for us, i dont want it to be, but man you make it hard. you are so caring of your other friends publically, but you say nothing of me in public, is cause of your husband? like he would maybe get angry? cause i could understand that, but other than that, i dont understand, i really do care about you, i make absolutly certain you know i care about you and would go out of my way to help you and your family if you guys ever need it. maybe its unwanted, i dunno, but you ... you just dont return the friendship. :(

for now i will speak my peace here. i get bad vibes from facebook, and whenever i post there, i end up getting angry, i hate being angry, i cant think and yell lots when im angry, thats not who i want to be.

 a loaded mind is far more dangerous than a loaded gun.

they can take away my right to own a gun, but they can't take away my right to think. and this makes me even more dangerous.

angry

 who is it, kendrick lamar says they're not like us? sorry if im getting the name wrong, but if we are so fucking different? thats why we have racism. cause whites are better. we dont shoot each other at alarming rates then blame every other race taking absolutly NO responsibility for our actions. so yeah, use your rebel cry that we're not like you, and i'll says cheers mate, i dont want to be like you. :) but now you give me a reason to hate you, you're making yourself different then me. this time the words came right out of your mouth. then you're so fucking dumb you wonder why there is racism                                     

doing good with a pen and a pad

this is an attempt at lifting people up. i know the world can be harsh, so in this post, i'm trying to make it less harsh for anyone who reads this.
--------

maybe you need to hear this today
things just aren't going your way
and your life is filled with lots of pain

whatever it is, this is a prayer for you


whatever deity this person reading this believes in
or even if they are an atheist

i ask that their life be easier on them, let the rewards of their efforts begin
show them life isn't pure shit
they deserve this

im not going to lie and say "blah blah blah if you found this its meant for you like so many others"
but i gave you my email address in a previous post for this same reason, unlike the others

i really do want to help you, even if these rhymes suck
i want to help you out of your spot that you feel so stuck
i want to show you that not all of us scream so wrecklessly "i dont give a fuck"
cause i do give a so called fuck

maybe by me giving you my email address, you wont even need to use it
you'll just feel loved, and like the world isnt so cold just cause someone had the balls to do this.

i really aim for the world to be a better place
and you're part of the world, so i wish you feel calm, happiness, and peace in your space

im not asking for anything in return, this is the way true helpers should act
your better day shouldn't cost a penny, and thats what you will get with me
im not a professional, so maybe i cant help, but i'll do my best, G

ehehe, i have to end this here, i dunno what else to write, i just so much want to do good for this
planet that im hyper about it which is causing my brain to overload and write crappy rhymes.

but that email address again if you need it is dmfbenzo@gmail.com ... email me anytime you need it :D

dad

 fuckin pussy

dear dad

 like so many kids, i grew up without a dad
i inherited his anger, and that loser makes me really fuckn mad
man, if i could find him, i just might break his back with a good ole fashinoned baseball bat

hey chris wilde, your are scum of the earth, the faggot fuck who shouldn't show his face in public
and all this time i thought i was the wrong one, the jerk, the one who is bad simply cause i am sick
you stupid fucking miserable dick, i want to tell everyone the loser you are so that you feel like shit

i want you read this
i want you to see that you're a stupid fuck pressing his luck against a son you created

well now im stronger than you, and you had better hope we never cross paths
dont act like you dont deserve this you miserable fuck, you're the jackass

look what i learned from you, dont stick my dick in a chick if i can't handle the outcome
you should be ashamed and i hope you are, couldnt even pay child support, look at me, look at what you have done
i want you dead you son of a bitch, fuck you and all the wildes, you all treated me like shit

---

chris wilde when you had to consider if you would talk to me? the was the last straw, now i pray you die ashamed in a horrible way, you couldnt even pay child support, you're not a man
and you know it, you're a grade a deadbeat loser.

this one is sorta trash and incomplete, but im gonna post it anyway

 we can change the world, me and you, we can get it done
we can give the gift of peace and fun to everyone
we will start at the community level, just changing our neighbors daily outcome

as we pick up momentum, we will join up with others doing right
always fighting the good fight
i truly believe we can make whats currently wrong into what is currently right

Its on us the do-gooders of earth, to change it for the best
we have a calling, us chosen ones, let the less bold people rest
and some will laugh at us, you betcha they will
but when they run into bad luck, who do you think they will turn to?

-blah, this one just is not going the way i want it to, so im ending it here, i kind got writers block, feeling like everything i write today is trash-

i realize this rhyme is kind of corny, but i really want to help people. so, this is it, i even give you my main email addresss in case you need help getting thru this life

 ok, this is kind of a corny rhyme, but the whole point of it is to put my main email address out there for someone who is maybe going thru a hard time and needs help. maybe you have read my other schizophrenic poems and can relate so you feel comfortable talking with someone like me. maybe you cant afford professional help and have seen my poems and feel you can relate. maybe you just need someone to talk to. maybe you are a hot playboy model wanting to hook up with a stud like me (hahaha!)

-------

i wish for the world to shine in all its glory
i want each individual to truly be happy
if you are feeling down, just let me know homie

here is my email address (dmfbenzo@gmail.com), email me
i really mean it, see?
i may not be the best help, but i will be the best help i can be

now i hope you realize i am different than the rest, G
at worst, we can struggle thru this life together, but maybe, just maybe...
... we'll find someway to be happy, or at least not so lonely

the world can be cold and harsh, and this rhyme might suck a little bit
but im tired of the same old bullshit
i want to help this world, and that starts with a single person who needs it

im trying not to be selfish, been there, dont that
its such a shitty world seeing it thru the eyes of a person who doesnt give a crap
so, i dunno who you are, i dunno what you want, maybe you just need someone to talk with
but email me, and we will talk, and you will see, i am different.
(hehe, i know this rhyme really sucks, or at least i think it does, but im here to help people, not harm, and since i like to rhyme, i tried to put it in a rhyme hahaha, but serious, email me, my email address again is dmfbenzo@gmail.com )

!!!remember to refresh/reload this webpage everytime you come here.!!!

---@---
links: OJ is an app i am writing



STOP TRYING TO HACK THIS WEBPAGE
I READ MY LOGS AND CAN TURN YOU BASTARDS INTO
YOUR ISP'S


all writings on this page are copyrighted Nicholas P. Wilde

----
----
----
feeling like a junkie that can't find peace
my life haunts me even in my sleep
i used to at least have comfort in my dreams

like where did i mess up? what have i done wrong?
i pray to God above all else, and i have put down the bong
i get tired of singing this same old song

but i am scared, my life seems way out of control
seems like i have broken the point of no return threshold
spin around and around, this life is forcing me to be bold

maybe wicca just isnt for me
but i ask God if its ok everytime i do any wicca you see
and whenever he doesnt give me the ok? i stop the doing

and i know its not all your fault, the devil is after me
he comes for me when i am weak
and thats when i pray to you the most! the true almighty
i have learned in recent times when something goes wrong?
blame the devil, not God, cause putting harm upon people is just NOT Gods song

but God and devil aside
i truly feel like im fucked for life
i dont get it, i try and i try
but people only care about me for like a week after i try suicide

then its back to the same old shit
nobody seems to care about nick
even tho i scream, "i give a shit"
as in, i care about people and their struggles
i try to lift people up with some of my rhymes, i want to give them the virtual huggles
anyway, i sort of feel better after venting in this rhyme
thanks again God, till next time :)


---=---

---=---



-----

now ask yourself. are you left with charity?
-----

----you had to hand it to him, he had a plan. and it
----started to make sence in a odd way. no fear, no distractions.
----the ability to let that which does not matter - truly slide.


====
i can't always be tough. i can't never cry. life with schizoaffective is one of
the worst lives imaginable. but still, i think of the girl in israel who just
seen a bomb go off and hasn't eaten in 4 days, so i know it's not as bad....
but realize this, if i COULD stop the bombs - well, im trying to do just that
with my text - i want to change the world. and i want to feed her, not with my
money cause i aint got none, but i want to inspire other people around the globe
to feed that kid with my positive rhymes

and i know i get negative lots... well its kind like this, "treat others how
you want to be treated" i know i know, but even my own mind treats me like a
piece of shit

i once had a fan, she wanted to be a boy so that she could be a rapper.

look kid, the next president is going to be a woman, this proves you can
do anything you want in a america. anything. so be a female rapper. :D

i have so much love in my heart because i remember what its like on the worst
days of my life, and i dont want anyone to have to go thru the same shit i did

i wish my voice carried weight, i wish people took me serious, then they wouldnt
laugh off writings like this, it might teach them something... but i dont think
anyone except mom and my friends know how serious my writings are.

this is me pouring my heart out to you, because you had enough faith in me
to read it.
====


0=0=0=0

seek knowledge, learn it, think about it - repeat on and on...
knowledge is power, thought makes that knowledge 10x more powerful

0=0=0=0

    i seen something about truth.
it inspired me to write this.
open you're eyes people, many (not ALL by far!!!) just many, are living dead 
lives. a slave to their job, fast food, their smartphones, and what 
society expects of them.

break the mold people. if you dont like your job, get a job you like. 
its not too hard, if i could program and hack by age 15 simply from reading a 
bazillion computer manuals i paid for with my dishwashing job? you too can go 
to night school to prepare for a job you really want (and remember, you spend a 
lot of time at work, so pick a job that makes you happy NOT nessacarily(sp?)
rich)

make it a point to meet up with your friends and family, put the 
smartphone down, and meet up face to face. get off the net and TALK TO
PEOPLE FACE TO FACE!

(i have to remind you here, im not talking about all people, im talkimg 
about sheeple)

say you're like me, you wanted to be a rapper and rock the party with a mic 
in your hand as long back as you can remember.

well start doing that today.

chase your dreams, dont die with regrets of never having chased your dreams.
stop watch crime/drama series on TV, just open your front door, the world 
is out there waiting, with more crime and drama than anyone could possibly ask
for.
whatever your religion is, even if you are an atheist, hold true to it, 
speak it, learn it, love it, from the heart not the mind.

and if you hate me for saying this, you're probably in denial that you are 
part of the sheeple population

(if you are wondering what gives me the right to say this? i refuse to draw 
inside the lines, im gonna be me till the day i die, and tend to take the 
harder path because i see more that way, i learn valuable lessons by taking 
the road less traveled. and you can too. )

---------

---------
0000
at night, the neon ghosts turn off their blinking
anger and there is calm

the ancients in the trees silenty sway in the wind,
their worries of what humans are doing to earth; calmed.

the cars dont honk at one another

there are no techno junkies texting or yelling on their
cell phones that cost 4 hundred dollars a piece to
be made by someone in china who makes 10 cents a day.

you look up, and there is a beautiful moon, even if it
was stained with our greedy foot prints, it still smiles.
you can't take something that grand and ruin it, i guess.

at night, the churchs are what they were always supposed
to be, peacfull, a place for quiet homage to our belief
structures, not a commerical instituition where people
pay for their mistakes they could haven not made in
the first place.

sometimes it's raining, sometimes it not. sometimes
at night it's cold enough to wear gloves or an extra
sweater. sometimes it's hot. but it's always worth it.

night, a walk through the miracle of a sleeping city
takes away the days agony and pain.
0000
----------
this one is so good, had to post it again!

----------

so angry, had to vent. not sure if this is good
-----------
You're reading the thoughts of a mastermind
time is money, so quit wasting my fuckin' time
here to align my forces, and draw the line
cutting off your bullshit with a little rhyme
don't need a  gun, this here baseball bat is just fine

Now recognize you pushed me to this
severely pissed
and I don't miss

nah, it aint about crime, aint about niggas and bitches
aint about nice cars, aint about riches
you're looking at a REAL SCHIZO, that's what this is

so if I flaunt my style, aint nothing to it, schizophrenia made me do it
if I kill a mass shooter, aint nothing to it, schizophrenia made me do it
if I rock the party like im wild, aint nothing to it, schizophrenia made me do it
if I stand for the police, aint nothing to it, I respect them and their hardwork, 
you should too

was at the PO today, seen a bunch of flakes
Im there for a mistake
those morons don't have a brain

A bit of warlock, mixed with druid, mixed with Christianity
that's what you get when you're fuckin' with me
I'll hex you, hack off your arm, and then pray homey
---
For all you niggas out there claimin' your crazy? Don't, its annoying, unless 
you actually have an illness as severe as schizophrenia...
Where's ghostface killer at?
-=----=-